Good evening, and welcome to our second installment of Fire Prime Ministerial Wrestling / Lutte Chauffée des Premiers Ministers (FPMW-LCPM), detailing the second group of eight Prime Ministers of Canada who will be lacing up their wrestling boots and entering the squared circle to establish the greatest Prime Minister once and for all.
This week I have the roster stats and graphics and animated .GIFs all ready to go, but don’t quite have the text ready, so I’ll be adding all of that in below tomorrow. Please accept my apologies; we’ve been having some stressful times up here lately.
So for those of you who thought to check back, welcome back! Please enjoy the wrestling Prime Minister dossier files and images below, and I will be erasing this explanatory note tomorrow when I come back to fill in all the text and gags and deep wrestling lore about John Diefenbaker and whatnot.
Here are the profiles for our middle crop of Prime Ministers, spanning the years 1920 to 1984:
REAL NAME: Arthur Meighen
FIREPRO NAME: Bart Bacon
COSTUME SLOTS:
(1) House of Commons portrait
(2) Julio Ferrer portrait
(3) Canadian 5¢ stamp
(4) Team Blue
INCUMBENCY: 1 year, 9 months
HILL-GRANATSTEIN RANKING: #14
H-G +/-: -8
TOTAL POINTS: 132
FINISHER: Portage Piledriver
NOTES:
You can read more about Julio Ferrer’s pop-art Prime Ministers here and here.
REAL NAME: William Lyon Mackenzie King
FIREPRO NAME: Killiam Tiger Macdermot Ace
COSTUME SLOTS:
(1) House of Commons portrait
(2) “King of Canada”, True Comics #12, May 1942
(3) Canadian $50 bill
(4) Team Red
INCUMBENCY: 21 years, 5 months
HILL-GRANATSTEIN RANKING: #1
H-G +/-: +20
TOTAL POINTS: 160
FINISHER: Chicken à la King
NOTES:
“William Lyon Mackenzie King”, from the Dennis Lee poetry collection Alligator Pie:
William Lyon Mackenzie King
Sat in a corner and played with string,
Loved his mother like anything,
William Lyon Mackenzie King.
This actually sort of undersells it. This dude was bonkers, and I will have a lot to say tomorrow about William Lyon Mackenzie King. I made sure to give him the wackiest moveset of all of the Prime Ministers, with some examples provided below.
REAL NAME: R. B. Bennett
FIREPRO NAME: Roast Beef Nesbit
COSTUME SLOTS:
(1) House of Commons portrait
(2) 1st Viscount
(3) Robin Hanson statue
(4) Team Blue
INCUMBENCY: 5 years, 2 months
HILL-GRANATSTEIN RANKING: #12
H-G +/-: -4
TOTAL POINTS: 136
FINISHER: Iron Heel
NOTES:
oh man wait until you hear about the truly unfortunate realization I had about R. B. Bennett’s official portrait last night
REAL NAME: Louis St. Laurent
FIREPRO NAME: Dewey St. Durant
COSTUME SLOTS:
(1) TIME Magazine cover, Sept. 12, 1949
(2) House of Commons portrait
(3) Ottawa statue
(4) Team Red
INCUMBENCY: 8 years, 7 months
HILL-GRANATSTEIN RANKING: #4
H-G +/-: +14
TOTAL POINTS: 154
FINISHER: Sussex Driver
NOTES:
REAL NAME: John Diefenbaker
FIREPRO NAME: “Chief” T. Finagle
COSTUME SLOTS:
(1) House of Commons portrait
(2) Paul-Emile Beauregard portrait
(3) younger Diefenbaker
(4) Team Blue, and yes, before you ask, he actually did own that robe
INCUMBENCY: 5 years, 10 months
HILL-GRANATSTEIN RANKING: #13
H-G +/-: -6
TOTAL POINTS: 134
FINISHER: Diefenbreaker
NOTES:
DID YOU KNOW?: “Diefenbaker is the earliest-serving Canadian prime minister to be photographed shirtless.“
REAL NAME: Lester B. Pearson
FIREPRO NAME: Mister B. Learson
COSTUME SLOTS:
(1) House of Commons portrait
(2) TIME Magazine
(3) RFC
(4) Team Red (The Pearson Pennant)
INCUMBENCY: 5 years
HILL-GRANATSTEIN RANKING: #6
H-G +/-: +10
TOTAL POINTS: 150
FINISHER: Pearson Pennant
NOTES:
He’s the only Prime Minister of Canada to have been hit by a bus. I’ll tell you more about it tomorrow.
REAL NAME: Pierre Trudeau
FIREPRO NAME: Javert Truenorth
COSTUME SLOTS:
(1) Patriation of the Constitution
(2) House of Commons portrait
(3) canoeing jacket
(4) Team Red
INCUMBENCY: 15 years, 5 months
HILL-GRANATSTEIN RANKING: #5
H-G +/-: +12
TOTAL POINTS: 152
FINISHER: Just Watch Me
NOTES:
REAL NAME: Joe Clark
FIREPRO NAME: Bo Spark
COSTUME SLOTS:
(1) Election Night 1979
(2) House of Commons portrait
(3) older Clark
(4) Team Blue (imagine, a wrestling Clark)
INCUMBENCY: 273 days
HILL-GRANATSTEIN RANKING: #15
H-G +/-: -10
TOTAL POINTS: 130
FINISHER: Clark Spark
NOTES:
Join us tomorrow (Tuesday, April 28th) for the explanatory text on each wrestler above, and then join us next Monday for our final seven entrants, the tournament bracket, and more!